Dear Regie,
Hi, how are you these past few months? How have you been coping? I hope you’re getting stronger everyday. Don’t you worry syg. To be honest, I’m not sure of what to say at this exact moment. Maybe I should just let it out. But how? Here? Text you? Or should I call you? Or should I wait till we meet and then I’ll let everything out or maybe I should just keep it to myself. Well, however it is, I’m just going to write this down. Whether you read it or not is a whole different story. I just hope you do. Syg, when you read this letter, and I’m not there with you, do not and I mean, DO NOT, think that I don’t love you. Because I do. Or think that I don’t care about you or even for you. Because I do. Wherever you may be right now, do know that I am already missing you. And yes, like I told you before and I am telling you again, honestly, I hate missing you! Even words are too hard to describe how I am feeling right this moment. As tears are falling like razor blades, the only thing I can say now is I love you. How speechless I am to say the things I want to. This is why I am writing instead of saying it to you in person.
To be honest syg, I need someone to love and I need the feeling to be loved. I let someone whom I thought special in my life go. Nothing could I do to let those vanish. Impossible as we all say it. Till came 30th December 2008. Oh, how could I forget that date and the look on both our faces. Even though we were strangers but we were so close. It’s like we were years of sweet memories. Honestly, never was a girl who acted the way they were to me when we first met. It’s not that I don’t like it. I do. It’s just weird for me. Never in my own world or in this world of reality ever have. I been treated in such way. But with you, I was. How different was that. Haha! New years came, I was out with my friend Muzzie and Joy. We went to Mojo’s for fun. Hoping that you’ll come to town or wherever so I could see you. Maybe just for one last time before we part ways. Well, that’s what I thought. But you couldn’t because you had no transport. I tried everything I can to help. But I failed. I am sorry. Ok?
So let’s begin with on the 1st of January 2009. We hung out for the first time and it was like no other. Wasn’t a date or anything. But hell! It was great! And fun! We played truth or dare and there it was. The feelings from you had showed a bit. Then, there was in the car. With my awkward feeling, I spent my time with you. I couldn’t let you go and be by yourself. Anything could happen at such place. So I went with you. Kept you company. As the music “If you were mine” was playing at the background, we talked about things I never talked with another girl on the first annual hangout before. You were my first. And honestly I could say I felt relieved. All the joy, pain, laughter, anger and sorrow had I let out that night. As you were playing with my hair, my heart beat in such techno-like rhythm. Not that I was scared. But I told you. Awkward and my first time have I been treated that way. I felt comfortable with you, for that I thank you.
When you received a call from your dad, he asked you when you are getting home. And you answered later. You were home by 1 and they didn’t say a thing! Wow! Shocked much I was. Now came the 3rd of January 2009. You were at school, and then when it was 1.25 p.m. you reached my house. How my heart melted that day. You came with a cab. Sweet were the exact words I could say. There were like none other. Only you! We had a lot of fun that day didn’t we? There were conflicts between me and a friend of mine, which lives across the street. But hey, I only felt a feeling for you. How could I fight that? I just couldn’t. As the “No one else comes close” plays repeatedly, you had your first kiss. Oh how shocked you were that day. LOL. I thought you were ready but you weren’t! HAHA. No worries, because I know from that second we were meant to be.
As time passes, you told me that on that day, you had a really big and I mean BIG crush on me! I didn’t know what to say. I only smiled and shared my giggles. And again time passes, you again had your first French kiss. You told me that you didn’t know how to kiss in such way, but for a first timer, you were great! Most of our kisses you took over me. Oh my god, how could I forget that day. We were lying on Qariss’ bed. There and then it happened.
Then we fell apart again. For the second time. You didn’t really cared that much because you had a big crush and just started loving me. As for myself, I played you around. Wasn’t that I was cheating or anything, but its just that I was texting someone else while being with you. And you know who that was. As also that time, I had a big crush on another girl. You too know who it is. You knew when we played “Spin the bottle” remember? But then, a few weeks after that, right on the last week of March, I started falling in love with someone. I started falling after so long. Hey, I just had a crush with you and other girls before, not love. Its somewhat say a man insecurities.
And on that last week, I was ready to love and to be loved. Oh how great was your love. Like none other. I am not making it up, but it is true! Couldn’t you see that? I wish you could. During my birthday, you spent it with me. Though you were late and you were with your friend waiting for her to get her makeup’s done, you still spent it with me. Weeks passed and your birthday was coming up. I tried everyway I could to get back to Kuching just to spend it with you like you spent time with me on mine. You were so sad and upset that I couldn’t forgive myself for not being there. But I promised to be there for you the next year didn’t I? Well, I’ll try. No matter what okay? As for that moment, I was just worried to make you happy. I thought I couldn’t. But as time passes, I could! And I did! That was one of the best feelings of my life. I made you happy! I cheered you up! Goddamit! That was one of the biggest successes in my life.
May had passed, then came June. Though you just got over your “upset-ness” about the birthday, guess what, you were damn excited for one thing. PROM! I’m like. What the hell happened to this girl? HAHA. Well, no offense, but yeah. Think about it. On June 14th you arrived to the airport and I was waiting for you at the arrival port. I was stunned! You walked through with your curled hair and white t-shirt. We got back to the apartment and you changed. So did I! Lol. When we were ready, we went to my school’s prom. Though it sucked like hell, but we had our best times didn’t we? We danced to a rhythmic song, a funky song and even a slow song. My heart melted away that night. After prom, we went down, to the hotel lobby. We waited for my friends. You waited patiently while I was taking pictures with my friends. Then, after that we were done, we went to Heritage Row. I knew you wouldn’t like it. But all I wanted was for you to bear with me. That was the last prom I could go with my friends. I wouldn’t want to spend it alone, that’s why I brought you. You didn’t want to enter, my friends got pissed at me so I did at you. I mean no harm, just that it was my last party I could have with my friends. Don’t you think so? Till now there’s no party I had with them. Now, no worries about that. Things had passed. Later that night, when we reached to the apartment, you were upset because I acted such way. I was just upset myself. But I am sorry. I made it up to you didn’t I? You were happy I did. Then, you crawled onto me. On the sofa, as we were watching television, you kissed me and I did too. We fell asleep at each others arms till we woke up in the middle of the night. My friend told us to get a room. And we did. As we laid on the bed, we kissed like there was no tomorrow. Kissed and kissed till we fell asleep again. An hour or two after, we woke up, AGAIN! And we continued kissing without even brushing our mouth. HAHA. Quite disgusting if you think about it. But I don’t mind, it was you whom I was kissing. I was damn grateful and happy at that exact moment. God! How did a girl like you end up with a guy like me? No matter what I was grateful. Then, its time for you to go back to Kuching. You hugged me so tight not wanting to let go. I felt the feeling you felt syg, I was there remember? And I was in the same situation you are. Not long after that, I came back to Kuching. We had fun didn’t we? Oh so much fun I had and I hope you do too. I still remember when it was Rainfest. I was totally drunk and oh my god, you took care of me! I fell down on the mud, got my slipper stuck, couldn’t even walk back to the hotel room. You helped me throughout the night! But when I was quite sober, we walked to the beach, and talked. Then we put on our song! We danced under the moonlight and under the stars! Even other people said how sweet we were! Remember syg? HAHA. And when morning came, you went to the beach with my friends, you told me to come. But I couldn’t. I had a hangover. I was still weak since the night before. But you made this beautiful sand-made which had my name on it. “I <3>
Well, when Raya came, we argued quite often but we forgave each other. Since its Raya, we did and so fast I might add. HAHA. Now, came the time when we were at Chiq’s Home stay at Damai, There were loads and loads of people there. Though I don’t like too much a crowded place, we still had fun to didn’t we? Well, you know what happened that night. I couldn’t write it here. Who knows, someone might read it. Lol. Then I went back to KL. Like always you were sad seeing me go. But hey, I came back again on December didn’t I? Remember December? Loads of things happened on that month. Oh and not forgetting you had a fight with your besties. For days and a week you couldn’t stand up straight. I helped you to get through it. No matter how it hurts me, I finally succeeded in helping you. In a rush, came New Years Eve. Wasn’t splendid for both of us. We were supposed to be together till a stupid argument came by. Remember what you said to me about Sasha’s statement. You had your insecurities really high and you actually believed her than me. Wow. Now see who’s truthful. Me or her? Hm? Well.
Then, 8th of January 2009, we went to spring. Remember? Our one year date. I couldn’t forget that date even if I wanted to. Not that I want to but yeah. HAHA. Remember what happened syg? I proposed to you on bended knees saying “I know you didn’t have an actual proposal when we were together. So I am now proposing on bended knees, will you be with me and stay with me till the never ending story begins?” And you said yes! I love you syg. Oh my god, how embarrassed was I then. HAHA. But I did it! Weee!
A couple of days after that, you were admitted to the hospital, because of your appendix. You had to go through it alone. I couldn’t be there for you because I had to leave for
As months passed, I started doubting. You were suddenly close to your new “BoyFriend” Afiq. You went to the library together. Hang together during school hours, have tuition together. Wow, how scared was I. You didn’t care to tell me about him. I had to find out from a friend of mine. And you know how painful it is to hear that from someone else? Maybe you weren’t trying to lie or hide things from me, but you acted like you were! Plus, I find out about a guy named Alan who had this somewhat feeling towards you. Urgh! Fuck that dick! And fuck you for not telling me! You know if someone says his feelings towards you like that, you should tell me! That’s what people call learning to trust! God! Don’t you even care about my feelings? Hmph. Things had passed, I’ve let those go. Don’t worry syg. I am not mad at you anymore. Just tell me if there are things like that happening again. I want to know, I need to know, I HAVE to know! I am your friggin boyfriend for god sake. And your future! Am I now? Well, if you are willing to do so, then thank god and thank you. I’m sorry for my harsh words. But I was in the zone. Well, to continue.
Now came the date, 25th June 2009. I came back to Kuching. You were damn excited! So was I! HAHA. We met nearly everyday! Not wanting to waste a single second of it! Again during Rainfest, we had our times again. But this year, I was completely normal! Yeah! Haha. After that day, I went to my Kampung in Kedah. You were so sad to see me go. But I came back again on the 16th! I was so happy to be with you again. To be in your arms again. Oh my god! Mek gik suk tok! HAHA. Then again its time for me to go. I can see the expression on your face when were at the airport and at my house before that. So sad, lonely, upset, sorrow, not wanting me to go and getting ill. But I had to go. It’s for our future syg. You know that.
To say things honestly syg, remember the letter you made for me? Well, this letter is similar like that. I want you to know that I need you, I want you, I care about you and I love you. This is the reason I’m writing this letter. I want you to know that I am a jealous person, but I do trust you. Trust me when I say that, I do trust you. But I am jealous, still I am trying to work on that. Also, I want you to know that I love you no matter what happens. Through thick and thin, I’ll be there and I want to be there syg. I want you to need me and care about me, want me and love me too. Even when I’m upset, disappointed, not in the mood, however I am, I want you to talk to me nicely. Don’t care how I act, just please do. I do those things for you and I hope you do too for me syg. Pull me in if I push you away. Scream back to make me realize if I scream at you. Kiss me when you feel like it. Kiss me when I’m not in the mood. You know if you kiss me, I’ll calm down. I wish to see your beautiful smile everyday. Not a single day I want to live without it. And not forgetting your kisses and hugs. I have loads of dream. One of it is to be with you till the day I die. To be your future, one and only husband. And to be the father of our children, the grandfather of our grandchildren, to be a part of your family and you to be a part of mine, and to lastly, to be a part of you. Without you, I couldn’t live my life to the fullest. It will be hard for me to breathe. I need you in so many ways I want you for so many reasons but I love you for only one reason. Because of who you are. My life isn’t complete without you. I hope you wish the same. I love you syg. I love you, I truly and deeply do. Not another day I want to live without calling you mine, so here I am, here, on bended knees, swallowing my pride for the one I love to accept me for who I am, to no matter what or how I could be, I just hope you want the same things I do. I am here still, on bended knees, waiting for you to answer, please oh please syg be mine. And only mine. Because if you do take me, I am only and I mean only yours. I give my whole to you. I only have one heart, I could never have two, and as long as I’m alive, I want to spend it with you syg. ONLY YOU. So please. I hope you read this with your heart attached to mine, with no hatred, no hate, no pain, no disrespect nothing, just the feeling of me wanting to be yours. I love you syg. Well, probably this is it for now, I will write something more. Take care my love. I love you my one and only Reginadia binti Abu Hassan. You will be my first and last true love. For you I will. I, Mohd Nashwin Zain is Reginadia’s property!
Yours faithfully, yours only, yours truly, yours deeply,
Your future husbie, Mohd Nashwin Zain bin Md Nasir a.k.a Awinn
I COULDN'T WRITE PROPERLY, SO TO THE READERS, IM SORRY. HAVE FUN READING.
CHEERS.
No comments:
Post a Comment