I used to think it was love that kept us together. It's not; it's nothing more that the infatuation we seem to have for each other. Complete opposites white, black, extremely spoiled and just spoiled. Lol. I used to think that she loved me, that my universe wasn't complete without her there by my side. Now I feel as if she could care less about how I feel. Looking inward from the outside some people envy what I have with her. I don't quite understand why though. What is it that they could possibly envy about this thing I call a relationship? Is the façade that good, are we that good at putting our happy faces on? I think so. Now, don't get me wrong it's not that she doesn't make me happy, because she does, and she does so quite well. The question I ask myself constantly is how do we go through all we do but still manage to make it? Cheating, lies and deceit. We've been through it all. And yet we stay. Is that love or the simple fact that we lust each other too much to give it up. My friend Afiq said it was because we are both too insecure to break it off and move on. But I know this isn't true, I mean I could move on if I had to, but why would
... ... ...I share these views with her and that's what brought us together. The fact that we could be as "cold," "calluses," and "vindictive" as we wanted. Lol. It's wrong but I was attracted to that side of her. The side that could take a couple and show them the truth, which is that love is not real. Break them up like it was nothing and prove that monogamy in teenage years is futile and worthless in trying to pursue. And I fell in love...lust. With a girl so cold-hearted she could ruin a relationship and hardly have second thoughts, wrong I know. I guess to me I took it as strength, her inability to be hurt, and emotional about certain things. I loved that, and we fell in love...lust. ....
So we tried over and over to make our relationship work, but it failed one way or another. I think that between the two of us, I was the only person she ever was really protective of and got jealous of. Same with her, until recently...I get jealous easily now. But anyways, we tried to make it work and back and forth we would go from friends to more, from more to less. Hiding it all the time from close people, I mean why show off a relationship that was more than likely doomed to fail. So long this went on, and the longer it happened, I feel the more out of touch I became with others. I started to think like her, act like her; we adapted to each other and became the air that we needed to breathe. She was the one who possessed my heart. And I guess that's not so bright because when one person has your heart, it's that much easier to destroy. I changed because of her. Afiq said I turned into a cold, vindictive bitch just like her. And for a while I laughed at the thought, wondering even if I had what was so wrong with that. Cold meant I couldn't get hurt. So I learned eventually how to become a master at it like her. Fake. Fake the smile, the laugh, the personality, everything. I even admit now there are parts of me that aren't really me but mere replicas of her. These parts allowed me to not care. Not care about what I did, who I hurt, what would happen and it made me feel good. I felt liberated. ...Slowly, I am seeing how this now affects my life. My "love" life is doomed for failure practically, seeing how I don't think I want love, just a temporary happiness. Myself as a person, I don't know completely who I am, as cheesy as that may sound. I find myself constantly contradicting myself and my actions.
I loved...lusted her. And I still do. And for that reason I will almost always resemble her in some way.... in the smile, in the walk, in mindset. It's what made me exactly what I'm not today.
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