For You

Dear Regie,

Hi, how are you these past few months? How have you been coping? I hope you’re getting stronger everyday. Don’t you worry syg. To be honest, I’m not sure of what to say at this exact moment. Maybe I should just let it out. But how? Here? Text you? Or should I call you? Or should I wait till we meet and then I’ll let everything out or maybe I should just keep it to myself. Well, however it is, I’m just going to write this down. Whether you read it or not is a whole different story. I just hope you do. Syg, when you read this letter, and I’m not there with you, do not and I mean, DO NOT, think that I don’t love you. Because I do. Or think that I don’t care about you or even for you. Because I do. Wherever you may be right now, do know that I am already missing you. And yes, like I told you before and I am telling you again, honestly, I hate missing you! Even words are too hard to describe how I am feeling right this moment. As tears are falling like razor blades, the only thing I can say now is I love you. How speechless I am to say the things I want to. This is why I am writing instead of saying it to you in person.

To be honest syg, I need someone to love and I need the feeling to be loved. I let someone whom I thought special in my life go. Nothing could I do to let those vanish. Impossible as we all say it. Till came 30^th December 2008. Oh, how could I forget that date and the look on both our faces. Even though we were strangers but we were so close. It’s like we were years of sweet memories. Honestly, never was a girl who acted the way they were to me when we first met. It’s not that I don’t like it. I do. It’s just weird for me. Never in my own world or in this world of reality ever have. I been treated in such way. But with you, I was. How different was that. Haha! New years came, I was out with my friend Muzzie and Joy. We went to Mojo’s for fun. Hoping that you’ll come to town or wherever so I could see you. Maybe just for one last time before we part ways. Well, that’s what I thought. But you couldn’t because you had no transport. I tried everything I can to help. But I failed. I am sorry. Ok?

So let’s begin with on the 1^st of January 2009. We hung out for the first time and it was like no other. Wasn’t a date or anything. But hell! It was great! And fun! We played truth or dare and there it was. The feelings from you had showed a bit. Then, there was in the car. With my awkward feeling, I spent my time with you. I couldn’t let you go and be by yourself. Anything could happen at such place. So I went with you. Kept you company. As the music “If you were mine” was playing at the background, we talked about things I never talked with another girl on the first annual hangout before. You were my first. And honestly I could say I felt relieved. All the joy, pain, laughter, anger and sorrow had I let out that night. As you were playing with my hair, my heart beat in such techno-like rhythm. Not that I was scared. But I told you. Awkward and my first time have I been treated that way. I felt comfortable with you, for that I thank you.

When you received a call from your dad, he asked you when you are getting home. And you answered later. You were home by 1 and they didn’t say a thing! Wow! Shocked much I was. Now came the 3^rd of January 2009. You were at school, and then when it was 1.25 p.m. you reached my house. How my heart melted that day. You came with a cab. Sweet were the exact words I could say. There were like none other. Only you! We had a lot of fun that day didn’t we? There were conflicts between me and a friend of mine, which lives across the street. But hey, I only felt a feeling for you. How could I fight that? I just couldn’t. As the “No one else comes close” plays repeatedly, you had your first kiss. Oh how shocked you were that day. LOL. I thought you were ready but you weren’t! HAHA. No worries, because I know from that second we were meant to be.

As time passes, you told me that on that day, you had a really big and I mean BIG crush on me! I didn’t know what to say. I only smiled and shared my giggles. And again time passes, you again had your first French kiss. You told me that you didn’t know how to kiss in such way, but for a first timer, you were great! Most of our kisses you took over me. Oh my god, how could I forget that day. We were lying on Qariss’ bed. There and then it happened.

Then we fell apart again. For the second time. You didn’t really cared that much because you had a big crush and just started loving me. As for myself, I played you around. Wasn’t that I was cheating or anything, but its just that I was texting someone else while being with you. And you know who that was. As also that time, I had a big crush on another girl. You too know who it is. You knew when we played “Spin the bottle” remember? But then, a few weeks after that, right on the last week of March, I started falling in love with someone. I started falling after so long. Hey, I just had a crush with you and other girls before, not love. Its somewhat say a man insecurities.

And on that last week, I was ready to love and to be loved. Oh how great was your love. Like none other. I am not making it up, but it is true! Couldn’t you see that? I wish you could. During my birthday, you spent it with me. Though you were late and you were with your friend waiting for her to get her makeup’s done, you still spent it with me. Weeks passed and your birthday was coming up. I tried everyway I could to get back to Kuching just to spend it with you like you spent time with me on mine. You were so sad and upset that I couldn’t forgive myself for not being there. But I promised to be there for you the next year didn’t I? Well, I’ll try. No matter what okay? As for that moment, I was just worried to make you happy. I thought I couldn’t. But as time passes, I could! And I did! That was one of the best feelings of my life. I made you happy! I cheered you up! Goddamit! That was one of the biggest successes in my life.

May had passed, then came June. Though you just got over your “upset-ness” about the birthday, guess what, you were damn excited for one thing. PROM! I’m like. What the hell happened to this girl? HAHA. Well, no offense, but yeah. Think about it. On June 14^th you arrived to the airport and I was waiting for you at the arrival port. I was stunned! You walked through with your curled hair and white t-shirt. We got back to the apartment and you changed. So did I! Lol. When we were ready, we went to my school’s prom. Though it sucked like hell, but we had our best times didn’t we? We danced to a rhythmic song, a funky song and even a slow song. My heart melted away that night. After prom, we went down, to the hotel lobby. We waited for my friends. You waited patiently while I was taking pictures with my friends. Then, after that we were done, we went to Heritage Row. I knew you wouldn’t like it. But all I wanted was for you to bear with me. That was the last prom I could go with my friends. I wouldn’t want to spend it alone, that’s why I brought you. You didn’t want to enter, my friends got pissed at me so I did at you. I mean no harm, just that it was my last party I could have with my friends. Don’t you think so? Till now there’s no party I had with them. Now, no worries about that. Things had passed. Later that night, when we reached to the apartment, you were upset because I acted such way. I was just upset myself. But I am sorry. I made it up to you didn’t I? You were happy I did. Then, you crawled onto me. On the sofa, as we were watching television, you kissed me and I did too. We fell asleep at each others arms till we woke up in the middle of the night. My friend told us to get a room. And we did. As we laid on the bed, we kissed like there was no tomorrow. Kissed and kissed till we fell asleep again. An hour or two after, we woke up, AGAIN! And we continued kissing without even brushing our mouth. HAHA. Quite disgusting if you think about it. But I don’t mind, it was you whom I was kissing. I was damn grateful and happy at that exact moment. God! How did a girl like you end up with a guy like me? No matter what I was grateful. Then, its time for you to go back to Kuching. You hugged me so tight not wanting to let go. I felt the feeling you felt syg, I was there remember? And I was in the same situation you are. Not long after that, I came back to Kuching. We had fun didn’t we? Oh so much fun I had and I hope you do too. I still remember when it was Rainfest. I was totally drunk and oh my god, you took care of me! I fell down on the mud, got my slipper stuck, couldn’t even walk back to the hotel room. You helped me throughout the night! But when I was quite sober, we walked to the beach, and talked. Then we put on our song! We danced under the moonlight and under the stars! Even other people said how sweet we were! Remember syg? HAHA. And when morning came, you went to the beach with my friends, you told me to come. But I couldn’t. I had a hangover. I was still weak since the night before. But you made this beautiful sand-made which had my name on it. “I <3>

Well, when Raya came, we argued quite often but we forgave each other. Since its Raya, we did and so fast I might add. HAHA. Now, came the time when we were at Chiq’s Home stay at Damai, There were loads and loads of people there. Though I don’t like too much a crowded place, we still had fun to didn’t we? Well, you know what happened that night. I couldn’t write it here. Who knows, someone might read it. Lol. Then I went back to KL. Like always you were sad seeing me go. But hey, I came back again on December didn’t I? Remember December? Loads of things happened on that month. Oh and not forgetting you had a fight with your besties. For days and a week you couldn’t stand up straight. I helped you to get through it. No matter how it hurts me, I finally succeeded in helping you. In a rush, came New Years Eve. Wasn’t splendid for both of us. We were supposed to be together till a stupid argument came by. Remember what you said to me about Sasha’s statement. You had your insecurities really high and you actually believed her than me. Wow. Now see who’s truthful. Me or her? Hm? Well.

Then, 8^th of January 2009, we went to spring. Remember? Our one year date. I couldn’t forget that date even if I wanted to. Not that I want to but yeah. HAHA. Remember what happened syg? I proposed to you on bended knees saying “I know you didn’t have an actual proposal when we were together. So I am now proposing on bended knees, will you be with me and stay with me till the never ending story begins?” And you said yes! I love you syg. Oh my god, how embarrassed was I then. HAHA. But I did it! Weee!

A couple of days after that, you were admitted to the hospital, because of your appendix. You had to go through it alone. I couldn’t be there for you because I had to leave for Australia. I couldn’t bare to see your sad face as I leaved the hospital. When I reached the car, I cried my heart off. Few days after that, you were fine, and I was grateful that you were. Thank god for giving you and giving us another chance.

As months passed, I started doubting. You were suddenly close to your new “BoyFriend” Afiq. You went to the library together. Hang together during school hours, have tuition together. Wow, how scared was I. You didn’t care to tell me about him. I had to find out from a friend of mine. And you know how painful it is to hear that from someone else? Maybe you weren’t trying to lie or hide things from me, but you acted like you were! Plus, I find out about a guy named Alan who had this somewhat feeling towards you. Urgh! Fuck that dick! And fuck you for not telling me! You know if someone says his feelings towards you like that, you should tell me! That’s what people call learning to trust! God! Don’t you even care about my feelings? Hmph. Things had passed, I’ve let those go. Don’t worry syg. I am not mad at you anymore. Just tell me if there are things like that happening again. I want to know, I need to know, I HAVE to know! I am your friggin boyfriend for god sake. And your future! Am I now? Well, if you are willing to do so, then thank god and thank you. I’m sorry for my harsh words. But I was in the zone. Well, to continue.

Now came the date, 25^th June 2009. I came back to Kuching. You were damn excited! So was I! HAHA. We met nearly everyday! Not wanting to waste a single second of it! Again during Rainfest, we had our times again. But this year, I was completely normal! Yeah! Haha. After that day, I went to my Kampung in Kedah. You were so sad to see me go. But I came back again on the 16^th! I was so happy to be with you again. To be in your arms again. Oh my god! Mek gik suk tok! HAHA. Then again its time for me to go. I can see the expression on your face when were at the airport and at my house before that. So sad, lonely, upset, sorrow, not wanting me to go and getting ill. But I had to go. It’s for our future syg. You know that.

To say things honestly syg, remember the letter you made for me? Well, this letter is similar like that. I want you to know that I need you, I want you, I care about you and I love you. This is the reason I’m writing this letter. I want you to know that I am a jealous person, but I do trust you. Trust me when I say that, I do trust you. But I am jealous, still I am trying to work on that. Also, I want you to know that I love you no matter what happens. Through thick and thin, I’ll be there and I want to be there syg. I want you to need me and care about me, want me and love me too. Even when I’m upset, disappointed, not in the mood, however I am, I want you to talk to me nicely. Don’t care how I act, just please do. I do those things for you and I hope you do too for me syg. Pull me in if I push you away. Scream back to make me realize if I scream at you. Kiss me when you feel like it. Kiss me when I’m not in the mood. You know if you kiss me, I’ll calm down. I wish to see your beautiful smile everyday. Not a single day I want to live without it. And not forgetting your kisses and hugs. I have loads of dream. One of it is to be with you till the day I die. To be your future, one and only husband. And to be the father of our children, the grandfather of our grandchildren, to be a part of your family and you to be a part of mine, and to lastly, to be a part of you. Without you, I couldn’t live my life to the fullest. It will be hard for me to breathe. I need you in so many ways I want you for so many reasons but I love you for only one reason. Because of who you are. My life isn’t complete without you. I hope you wish the same. I love you syg. I love you, I truly and deeply do. Not another day I want to live without calling you mine, so here I am, here, on bended knees, swallowing my pride for the one I love to accept me for who I am, to no matter what or how I could be, I just hope you want the same things I do. I am here still, on bended knees, waiting for you to answer, please oh please syg be mine. And only mine. Because if you do take me, I am only and I mean only yours. I give my whole to you. I only have one heart, I could never have two, and as long as I’m alive, I want to spend it with you syg. ONLY YOU. So please. I hope you read this with your heart attached to mine, with no hatred, no hate, no pain, no disrespect nothing, just the feeling of me wanting to be yours. I love you syg. Well, probably this is it for now, I will write something more. Take care my love. I love you my one and only Reginadia binti Abu Hassan. You will be my first and last true love. For you I will. I, Mohd Nashwin Zain is Reginadia’s property!

Yours faithfully, yours only, yours truly, yours deeply,

Your future husbie, Mohd Nashwin Zain bin Md Nasir a.k.a Awinn

I COULDN'T WRITE PROPERLY, SO TO THE READERS, IM SORRY. HAVE FUN READING.

CHEERS.

What Happened To Us

"What Happened To Us" has been uploaded to my MySpace. A new hit single by John Michael. Produced by Awinn. Sang by John Michael. An emotional Rihanna-typed beat. Do check out our new hit single, "What Happened To Us" at www.myspace.com/awinnonline

Do tell me about the song to improve our quality. Thank You. Cheers!

Gone Away(SOLD)

This is a lyric I made for anyone who is in a "break-up situation" or in a "emotional state" There is an instrumental that goes with it. The price is listed below. Once in a lifetime deal. Low price, Big hit. Email sixoulrecords@gmail.com OR contact me at +60168542525/+61413061266 to anyone who is interested. Serious sales inquiries only. Thank you. (SOLD)

(Verse 1)
im sitting here thinking bout all the times, we coulda keep our hands off each other,
but that was long ago,
and i can't help it to think that we could have made if we would have been there for one another,
i thought i'd let u know, the thought stays in my mind but i keep it on the road,
and i can't help it of getting jealous so i dun wanna know,
who u're with when we were seperated, cuz i cant help it when i see u my fingers get elevated,

(Bridge)
becuz i tried, tried and im trying to stay away from u,
but its so hard to keep blind, when wht we had was true,
dun blame me for my actions, im tryin to stay away,

(Chorus)
but everyday i feel like im about to fade away, its just im gone away, gone away gone away
im trying to find myself under the mess u made,
i know if im patient, and i keep waiting, they'll be better days, ever since u've gone away,gone away gone away
i finally remember what it feels like to be me, when im gone away

(Verse 2)
still got ur picture in my wallet, that keeps me reminiscing,
bout all the time we had together, everything that im missing gotta remind myself,
that im only thinking bout the positive, and i know sumtimes some things has gotta give,
i keep moving i dun see the next phases, its just one chapter and im flippin the page,
i still got some memories that i need to erase, and everytime i think of u is just a second to waste,
and i can't ignore the fact i noe i'll see u again, but that time will be the time im gona have to pretend,
but so close, so close, to reaching the answer, so i hope u understand the reason i can't be ur friend

(Bridge)
becuz i tried, tried and im trying to stay away from u,
but its so hard to keep blind, when wht we had was true,
dun blame me for my actions, im tryin to stay away,

(Chorus)
but everyday i feel like im about to fade away, its just im gone away,
im trying to find myself under the mess u made,
i know if im patient, and i keep waiting, they'll be better days, ever since u've gone away,
i finally remember what it feels like to be me, when im gone away,

//Starting Price - RM500-1000\\ (SOLD)

This lyric is OWNED and only to the ones who purchases it will have EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS to it. LEGAL ACTIONS will be taken to whoever tries to copy or use this lyric as their own business or pleasure. Thank You. Cheers!

Mom,

How do I tell you the love I have for you
All my life you were there for me
When I was hurt you mended the scratches
And when I was sad, you held me upon your knee.

I cannot even begin to tell you
All the wonderful deeds for me you have done
The love and care that only you could do
And you even made cooking so much fun.

Oh, Mom, remember the flowers you grew
So beautiful as you cared for them each day
Allowing me to learn of God's miracles
Even pulling weeds, so upward each would stay.

Mom, remember the little pine trees I planted
I didn't realize they should be in one spot,
So planted them all over the yard
And soon we had sprouts - yes, we had a lot.

We had some great times in the summer
When Dad would cut a big watermelon
And you would get the plates out for all
Oh, the mess - more than we could tell anyone.

And the board you fixed so sturdy
And upon it I made many 'mud pies'
So many shapes and sizes there were
I worked on them all day till darkened skies.

Then you brought canning jars out
It was time to catch lightening bugs
'Light on, light off', catch him fast.
Then to bed, and you gave big hugs.

Yes, Mom, those were such rewarding days
Full of laughter and so much fun
And learning all the time about life
How I miss those days! - though they are done.

Mom, I owe it all to you today;
Your smile, your caring and love,
You have made me what I am today
And I thank the Lord above.

God bless you, Mom

This poem is dedicated to Aqidah Sheriffudin and Mohd Iqmal whom have lost a good teacher, a great friend, and the best mom. May peace be with you.

Ramona Abdullah(1968-2009)

Let us pause for being emotional. LOL? This will be a short one from me. Anyone wanna buy a beat which includes single lease, double lease, triple lease or exclusive rights, Or anyone interested in buying lyrics, or the whole song? Give me your ideas, and i will try to put something up following your ideas and taste. Again including the leases and rights, please email me at sixoulrecords@gmail.com or call/text me at +60168542525/+61413061266.

I am sorry

Once you said you loved me, what happened to that thought
I know i have cause you pain, but you also caused me a lot
I took you back after everything you ever put me through
You wanna know why? Because that's how much i love you

I know i fucked up, I know i made a mistake
But look how many fuck ups you have made
All the times you said you would be here, all the times you lied
Every single day, i have laid in my bed and fucking cried

I cant move on, I cant move to my next lover so fucking fast
I keep thinking about us, I keep thinking about our past
And how we was so in love, and i took all of it for granted
Im sorry for everything i have put you through, Im so sorry

I dont feel like doing anything, while your out having fun
Im sitting around the house thinking we cant be done
Im so hurt, how can you move from me to another guy
You told me you loved me, I thought i was your world

I cant believe your doing this to me, i feel so much pain
How can i get through this? All it does is gain
Each day i dont have you in my arms, the pain starts to get so hard
I gave my fucking heart to you, and you was the fucking guard

I know i hurt you first, I know i cause you pain
I want to take it back now, Im ready to explain

I wanted a ring so bad, but when i got it i felt held down
I felt like i was staying in 1 place while the world spun around
I felt like i had committed something to you, and i felt like i was behind
I realized i was a dick, caused you pain, but now i want it all to rewind

I would make you the center of my life, and never let you go
I would take day by day, and start at the hello
I would tell you i love you more than i ever did, and you know its true
Because if i was lying, then i wouldn't be crying over you

Im sorry for everything i have ever did to you,
Im sorry for thinking about you every single day
Im sorry for caring to much about you to move on
Im sorry for talking about you cause you wont get off my mind
Im sorry for always acting like a dick
Im sorry for wanting to party more than being with you
IM sorry for being sorry because THATS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU

Please come back, Ill be waiting right here for you to show me you care
PLease come back, Ill be waiting right here for you to show me a tear
PLease come back, Ill be waiting right here for you to show me you love me
Please come back, Ill be waiting right here for you to tell me we were meant to be

I love you more than anything, why cant you fucking see
Ill do anything for you, i need you right next to me
I miss the way you would hold my hand with your soft gentle touch
I miss everything about you, i miss you so fucking much

I need you with me, I need you to show me you still care
And always remember, I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE
Yesterday, you told me to quit talking about you and that stupid man whore
But you are always on my mind, and tears always seems to pour

I tried fighting for you, I tried more than what you have ever done for me
I tried calling that stupid bitch just to talk to you and show we are meant to be
You mean the world to me and so much fucking more
I cant take this anymore, I hate crying on the floor

I start crying so hard, that i end up falling down
Why dont you come see me once, instead of saying see ya around
You said you might come see me the other night, but you never showed
You said you said that to get me to leave, and i almost had to explode

When you said that, my heart fell in two
I couldnt believe after all this i still love you
Im trying so hard to keep u off my mind
I wish i could stop time, and rewind
But i cant and im so sorry for everything
I cry every time i hear the songs you sing
"No One Else Comes Close" was the song
I know its about me and im sorry
Im trying to hold on, but im not strong

Why dont you think about all the good times we had
Instead of thinking about the past and all the bad
Remember all those times we went 4 prom and had so much fun
You almost fell asleep on the bed and i told u were the one
When we made pancakes for my family, and ended up fighting who can cook better
Thats when we was so in love, we couldnt stand to be without one another
Remember when we danced under the moonlight after rainfest, looking at all the stars
And how we would tell each other about all of our stupid ass scars
When we raced to eat ur moms curry puffs, and i said u were too slow
I know you still love me, but you will never let it show
Remember we would lay in bed, holding on to each other so tight
We would talk and laugh our asses of all night

I love you baby, I always have and I always will
When you realized what you lost, Ill be waiting for you

Sincerely yours,
Mohd Nashwin Zain

Lusting Love?

I used to think it was love that kept us together. It's not; it's nothing more that the infatuation we seem to have for each other. Complete opposites white, black, extremely spoiled and just spoiled. Lol. I used to think that she loved me, that my universe wasn't complete without her there by my side. Now I feel as if she could care less about how I feel. Looking inward from the outside some people envy what I have with her. I don't quite understand why though. What is it that they could possibly envy about this thing I call a relationship? Is the façade that good, are we that good at putting our happy faces on? I think so. Now, don't get me wrong it's not that she doesn't make me happy, because she does, and she does so quite well. The question I ask myself constantly is how do we go through all we do but still manage to make it? Cheating, lies and deceit. We've been through it all. And yet we stay. Is that love or the simple fact that we lust each other too much to give it up. My friend Afiq said it was because we are both too insecure to break it off and move on. But I know this isn't true, I mean I could move on if I had to, but why would I. "A match made in hell," Matt once said. Lol, that I think it was just her jealousy speaking lol. But it's not the first time. I mean we do hold the same "wrong" morals lol. The belief that love is nonsense, like the tooth fairy lol. Carpe Diem is how we both live.

... ... ...I share these views with her and that's what brought us together. The fact that we could be as "cold," "calluses," and "vindictive" as we wanted. Lol. It's wrong but I was attracted to that side of her. The side that could take a couple and show them the truth, which is that love is not real. Break them up like it was nothing and prove that monogamy in teenage years is futile and worthless in trying to pursue. And I fell in love...lust. With a girl so cold-hearted she could ruin a relationship and hardly have second thoughts, wrong I know. I guess to me I took it as strength, her inability to be hurt, and emotional about certain things. I loved that, and we fell in love...lust. ....

So we tried over and over to make our relationship work, but it failed one way or another. I think that between the two of us, I was the only person she ever was really protective of and got jealous of. Same with her, until recently...I get jealous easily now. But anyways, we tried to make it work and back and forth we would go from friends to more, from more to less. Hiding it all the time from close people, I mean why show off a relationship that was more than likely doomed to fail. So long this went on, and the longer it happened, I feel the more out of touch I became with others. I started to think like her, act like her; we adapted to each other and became the air that we needed to breathe. She was the one who possessed my heart. And I guess that's not so bright because when one person has your heart, it's that much easier to destroy. I changed because of her. Afiq said I turned into a cold, vindictive bitch just like her. And for a while I laughed at the thought, wondering even if I had what was so wrong with that. Cold meant I couldn't get hurt. So I learned eventually how to become a master at it like her. Fake. Fake the smile, the laugh, the personality, everything. I even admit now there are parts of me that aren't really me but mere replicas of her. These parts allowed me to not care. Not care about what I did, who I hurt, what would happen and it made me feel good. I felt liberated. ...Slowly, I am seeing how this now affects my life. My "love" life is doomed for failure practically, seeing how I don't think I want love, just a temporary happiness. Myself as a person, I don't know completely who I am, as cheesy as that may sound. I find myself constantly contradicting myself and my actions.

I loved...lusted her. And I still do. And for that reason I will almost always resemble her in some way.... in the smile, in the walk, in mindset. It's what made me exactly what I'm not today.

Trust in Self-Reliance

Trust yourself, your intuition, and your nature. According to Emerson's Self-Reliance, these qualities are essential to contentment and harmony with one's self. Self-reliance is an appeal to the individual to obey his instincts and to challenge tradition and conventional wisdom. According to Emerson, those who are truly self-reliant have the ability to mark their place in history as great and genuinely creative men.

Emerson urges the reader to live by his instinct and listen to his intuition, "Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string." Don’t fear your original thoughts, trust them and live accordingly. Great men and artists appeal to us because of their creative nature, "In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts." If we don’t live according to our nature we are not men. Be bold and brave about your convictions, "And we are now men, and must accept in the highest mind the same transcendent destiny; and not pinched into a corner, not cowards fleeing before a revolution, but redeemers and benefactors, pious aspirants to be noble clay plastic under the Almighty effort, let us advance and advance on Chaos and the Dark." Recognize your nature whether it be good or bad, "No law can be sacred to me but that of my nature."

Emerson instructs the reader to avoid the common pitfalls that tend to hinder man's virtue. Emerson identifies consistency as being an enemy of the creative thinker, "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds", "With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do". Emerson isn’t implying that we live erratically but that we should be introspective about our positions and ideals. We should not hold the same position simply because it is the one we have always taken. We shouldn’t be preoccupied with the impression we leave on others, "What I must do, is all that concerns me, not what the people think." According to Emerson, our inconsistency should be our testimony. Your inconsistent actions will explain to others what you are, "The voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tacks."

Emerson also points out man's fear of being misunderstood. We often fail to present or discuss our original thoughts and ideas in fear of being misunderstood. Emerson asks, so what? Weren't all great innovators misunderstood? Emerson says: "Misunderstood! It is a right fools word. Is it so bad then to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh."

According to Emerson, "imitation is suicide". When we imitate we cheat our nature. Imitation is not ours, "Insist on yourself; never imitate. Your own gift you can present every moment with the cumulative force of a whole life’s cultivation; but of the adopted talent of another, you have only an extemporaneous, half possession." Emerson teaches us to rejoice in our uniqueness.

Emerson notes the advances of society. According to Emerson, society never makes true progress, "Society never truly advances. It recedes as fast on one side as it gains on the other." Advancement of society is a give and take relationship. When society makes progress, it regresses in other aspects, "The civilized man has built a coach, but has lost the use of his feet. He is supported on crutches, but loses so much support of muscle. He has got a fine Geneva watch, but he has lost the skill to tell the hour by the sun."

To Emerson self-reliance is the embodiment of principle and integrity. The ability to trust your own thoughts and conviction is virtue, "Nothing can bring you peace of mind but the triumph of principles.”

I’ve been reflecting and thinking a lot about what a friends girlfriend(Ayesha) had to say on Sunday and I wanted to raise a question or thought around this idea of forgiveness, especially unconditional forgiveness. Does the idea of “unconditional forgiveness” tell people (especially women) to forgive without change in action (by the other) to stay in an abusive relationships?

Do we get too caught up in trying to tell people that God wants to have a relationship with them "how they are now" that it leads us to do damage? I believe that we have to be extremely careful when we talk about unconditional forgiveness especially when we are doing it.

I appreciated Ayesha talking about how forgiveness is reconciling relationships and I agree that Sin should be talked about in terms of broken relationships not moral miss-steps or laundry lists of bad deeds. I agree that we should do our best to reconcile relationships with one another regardless of the horrific atrocities that we can impose on one another as human beings. But how do you tell someone who is being dominated by another human being that forgiveness should be unconditional?

How does “unconditional forgiveness” display itself in scripture?

Unfinished Thoughts

Maybe I'm not over it. Maybe I still care! Maybe I'm more than hurt, did you ever think about that? Stupid thing is that no one else understands me or what was, not WAS but IS so special. It bothers me because I can't talk to anyone about it because there is so many careless people who just needs people when they don't have anyone. I use to talk to you all the time about things that bother me, but this time I can't because it is about you, well not entirely you! :| I think about it everyday, I get angry, then enraged, then I get upset and I end up feeling a sense of melancholy and to top it off I feel like this everyday and knowing that I made the most stupidest choice just so that I don't have to be in your way pisses me off way more which creates a disgusting feeling that I can't talk to anyone about BUT YOU! FCKING LAME isnt it? You don't even want to talk to me though you tell everyone that I ignore you and I put up with it because you're the uncool BUT smart one so there's so many people on your side, but I really don't care who's on your side or who's not. I am so fucking angry at myself for the fact that I actually FUCKING MISS YOU AND I STILL NEED YOU, I am even more dumber than I think. Fuck knows.

I don't know if you care or if you even have the time to read what I am going to say, but sometimes it feels slightly easier to breathe when one speaks their mind to someone who they haven't seen or who they won't see for quite some time, someone who won't bring it up again but will just read what one's thoughts are.

I learnt how to trust someone that doesn't live with me, who isn't my family, a complete stranger. But with this newfound trust I was complete, I found another family that also loved me but showed it, another family that I still care about till now forever and always.
I do admit that it was my fault, I was the one who started to doubt things about myself, and without realizing that I unconsciously lived a lie. When it is too late, that is when I actually realized that what I had is gone, not just temporarily but permanently and to know that what I had was what made me smile everyday, I can vividly see and clearly hear my heart shatter beautifully into unmendable pieces.

And to think that nothing could hurt me or tear me apart, I was so wrong. I took it all for granted and not only that but in Jim Morrison's words "Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending- performing. You get to love your pretence. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act-”. That was me, that is me. Enough is just never enough, I don't know when enough is or where it stops. I don't know how to accept enough. So I am sorry, truly sorry for what I have repeatedly mistakenly done.

So who am I really? I just wanted to be happy like everyone else, there is nothing wrong with being happy is there? Do you know who I am? Am I who you think I am? or Are you expecting more than I can offer? Am I really the person that I am destined to be? or have I taken things into my hands without consulting with the one who loved me enough to give me this beautiful gift called life?

Now what hurts one more is to feel that pain that one had felt before, the agonizing and unbearable pain of loneliness, with this pain aching one acknowledges that friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together and true friendship is a plant of slow growth and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.
But there's more to life. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
But knowing that one will die alone, is a concern not fear; because fear itself fears itself. Not alone with no husband or partner but alone with not one close friendship that one can reminisce upon. The concern of dying alone without one's best friend close by holding one's hand is an unending life full of worry and insecurity.

I use to wake up smiling and go to sleep laughing not crying, and I actually believed in myself and I believed that those I loved will always be with me, I thanked God everyday that I had a friend like you, helping me with everything, always listening, there was never a day or a minute that you turned your back on me, always concerned, always the first one to ring me.
But I guess I didn't hold on as tight as I could.

In summary of Pavarotti himself:
"Penso che una vita per la musica sia una vita spesa bene ed è a questo che mi sono dedicato."
Penso che una vita per mia grande amica sia una vita spesa bene ed è a questo che mi sono dedicato.
To be there always, even at 3am, no matter what happens, it was always best friends forever, remember?
So to be or not to be?
Only one will know the answer.

An Indirect Love Letter

This is some sort of acknowledgment for my Special friend. Her name is Reginadia. A "Socialist", a somehow interesting friend, too, a very special one. Regie for short (so, you’re getting famous in here. You might as well thank me for that. Haha!). We had this little conversation w hile back, a yahoo messenger chat. Some sort of what are you doing and how’s life so far. I said that I was updating my blog minutes before we talked. She asked for the link and I sent it to her. When I was still hibernating on blogland, when I haven’t reach my heyday of writing. She was, I think, kind of surprised after seeing that I posted a lot since her last check. She said “wow”. She browsed the page and saw some posts which triggered her interest

I smiled after her first comment. She said that my words was some sort of an indirect love letter. She said that it was a write-up of something that I want others to know but I cannot say directly. I think she is right. She knows it. I mean, she knows whom I am doing this for. She knows my intention, not my whole intentions but part of it. She knows that some of the posts there are exclusively for someone of high importance.

I am writing for myself, primarily, because I want to reflect on this some time in my life, when things aren’t how they used to be, when things have changed completely. I want to be reminded about my thoughts and perceptions. I want to know who I am in the past and what made me like this in the present. Somehow, I will have a clue on what I’ll be like in the future. As I always repeat, I want to make this a history and make myself immortalize thru this blog. It may fail, yes, but somehow, this is more trustworthy than an etch of my name in the sand where things usually meet and also separated. I want to mark my existence even if it’s nothing to most of the world. Secondly, yes, I am admitting that I post some of the stuff here because I know that he will come to a point of coming across this blog and read the things I want her to know, those things which are better left unsaid but worthy of knowing, those things which I cannot say directly and this blog is the perfect escape. So Regie is right, I think. I also agree that this blog is some sort of an indirect love letter that contains a “To: Mrs. Anonymous” in the top part of every post and signed with love by me. It’s invisible and can only be seen by those chosen and special people who know me, or at least, know me better than how the casual people see me.


I am astonished at the fact that even though I don’t include names in a particular post, people who know me will know whom I am talking about. I don’t know if it’s called conscience or the inner self but whatever it is, it’s naturally amazing.


Sometimes, people’s comments are what remind me of reality. For instance, the indirect love letter. I have that concept in my mind but it was blurred and unclear. I was not very particular about it and it happened to be that Regie was the one who formulated the perfect term for the stuff. Thanks to her that I was able to realize some realizations regarding my reasons of writing.

I am actually talking about: confessions, just her, on writing, out of randomness, realizing realizations

The Love Of Music

Some believe, as I never used to, that soulmates do exist. That there is one person in all the world that can bring about ultimate fulfillment, boundless love, and perfect completeness in your life. That such things are written for us in the very stars, through the Fates, or merely in our very biology. That if you never find that one, you will never be completely happy. But when you do find that one, you know it through and through, to the tiniest microbe of your being. I had never believed in this. I always thought music was my soulmate, for want of a better word. Music has always inspired me, lived within me, flowed through me beat for beat with my very heart. Music has been the background of all my life's moments, both in joy and in sadness, in love and in loss, in companionship or in my lonliest hours. Music has always been there, and I have adored it with a passion I never felt for anything, nor anyone else.

I, like most people I am sure, can name the tune that played, either in their mind, or around them, through all of their biggest lovelife moments. The first kiss. The first experience of lovemaking. The first great heartbreak. However, music has been so a part of me that I can recall the music that played around me, or in me, at most of my smaller moments as well. The first cup of coffee I ever drank. The first day of a new job. The first song I ever put on a cell phone. Yes, it may seem strange to most of you, but I am that musically inclined. It has to do with my MOM! I am sure, and the first time they took me out as a baby. I was few months old, or so they tell me, and she sat me on a speaker stack, in my bassinet during her singing session. With the lead guitarist, a friend of theirs, checking on me during songs, and they checking on me during song breaks, they were shocked to find I slept the whole way through, a tiny little smile on my baby face. Is it any wonder that music has been my one true love?

That is, of course, until now. So cynical was I that another person could make me feel what music has always made me feel, that to find a woman who makes me feel likewise, and more, was quite the shock. And I have found her, she whose voice fills my mind before music does now. She whose laugh is the greatest melody I have ever heard. She who makes me feel more alive than music ever did.

I shall always love music. It is my first love. But I have found the greatest gift a man could ever receive. The ability, and the joy, of being able to keep my first love, and my last love, in my heart together forever.

Better still, jealousy is never an issue, for she loves my first love almost as much as I do.

Until next time, my loving friends. Keep the music of love, and the love of music, in your hearts and souls.